Grieving hangover

So why does it seem to feel worse today than Sunday? Why is it that I seem to feel more ache, more burnout, and more empty two days after Andrew's birth/death day than on the actual day? Maybe because on his actual day I, and my family made a conscious effort to honor and remember him. Maybe because I should have taken yesterday off from work like I originally planned to do and pamper myself with holiday preparations and lounging in my bathrobe, much like I was doing after my precious Andrew left my body four long years ago.

How is it that life, the present version that is, seems to consistently impact honoring my past? Why did the first ice storm of the year have to occur on the friday prior to my preplanned pampering monday? Why did the schools have to close and the daycare lose power leaving me to spend my blessed pampering vacation day caring for children in a house with no power and stressing over the cold and ability to entertain ourselves?

I guess this is the ultimate reality of parenting. Adjusting to the moment, working with less than ideal circumstances and making the best of various difficult situations. Overcoming obstacles and smiling while doing it.

Don't get me wrong, I love my living children to pieces and really do cherish every blessed moment with them. But, they get my energy all of the time. My poor and blessed Andrew gets such a minor percentage of that attention. The least life could have done is allow me the opportunity to take my one genuinely dedicated day out of the year and LEAVE IT ALONE!

Maybe it's life presenting me with one more big opportunity to "get it". The opportunity to look at the situation and realize that my Andrew and my own mental health are more important than the myriad of expectations others place upon me. Take Monday anyway.... who cares what anyone else thinks. You don't get these times back to "do over", I've learned this....if nothing else. Or have I?????

I yearn for that opportunity to lounge in my robe and sip a warm steamy cup of coffee and just savor a little reading or the silence in my own home that seems so very absent most of the time. Just a silent moment to really listen to myself, and my Andrew, my little baby boy.