Opportunity for a visit

Well, it's Sunday evening at about 6:30pm and thanks to mountains of holiday left overs dinner is done and cleared and there is still time left in the evening! My husband is madly playing Warcraft... his other love.... and I am here surfing. Suddenly I remember, my desire to write in this spot despite my reservations to do so. I think I find it hard to believe anyone else could remotely be interested to read what I am thinking on a daily basis. This whole experience so far is certainly more about me than any potential reader. It just feels so good to have a space where it's ok to express and say whatever is going on. Wow.

Tomorrow begins our month. December. The month when my blessed little angel "grew wings". What a peaceful way of expressing such a devastating actuality. Only a loving person who has experienced loss could come up with such a caring sentiment. To whomever created this, "thank you." And also, "my condolences" as you likely lost your little person as well.

I've found myself quite frankly being terrible to my husband today. Poor guy, he doesn't deserve my frustration with life but somehow he ends up the recipient a good portion of the time. Well, he's probably not an entirely innocent party in reality.......... I'm just frustrated and find so few places to put my frustration. I find myself angry at the reality of having to accept that the holiday season is no longer just about merry making and the holidays. It now is shadowed by the reality of losing my son. I do not feel anger toward my son, I just feel confused and angered by the fact that even now, four years later when I know I have come to terms with much of this loss I still need to pause and give space to the feelings of emptiness in order to move through them rather than be stopped and paralyzed by them.

The innocent child like joy of the bright and glittery holiday season and it's fun and warming activities are now no longer simple. They are more complicated. They are mixed with feelings of remorse, periodic emptiness, depression, sadness, contemplation, wandering...... It takes time and space to recognize it and honor these feelings. It's living a bit differently than I did before my angel. Before my angel it was all about the one dimensional straight forward predictability of life. Now, not so much. This gift, the gift of real life is one of many I believe my little angel has brought to me.

Hopefully it is making me a more well rounded person. A person who is better able to be real and live a genuine existence among others. Christmas gifts.... from my little angel. Never really looked at it that way but as I type it feels right. It feels good. It seems that this is what this space of contemplation and reflection can bring each time I take the time to honor and remember my little angel.

Thank you Andrew. Goodbye for now.