Where to start

Well, it's only been a week and a half since I found this wonderful place and I have yet to take the time to create another entry. I have thought about it frequently but frankly, I have avoided writing. It feels as though I would have to sit at the computer for a month to actually share the experience of losing my Andrew. Even now it brings tears to my eyes to type his little name. It's been four long years this December and although the intense pain and agony of the experience has fortunately lightened over the years, thoughts of Andrew still bring so many feelings that at times it is overwhelming. When I pause and give thought to his little life............. my life.................................... stands still.

A perfectly normal and healthy pregnancy that resulted in an unthinkable tragedy, an unexplainable torment which can only be understood and shared by someone who has shared the loss of a child. It is so healing to read the words of other moms who have experienced this same loss. When going through it I felt so alone and singled out. Such a failure and frankly put a "loser". Reading the stories of you mothers who have walked this very dark road is encouraging beyond belief to me. I am so nourished by the fact that I find no responses like... "it was for the best".... or "it was two years ago, isn't it time to get past it?"...... or "you have a healthy baby now...." all of these reactions from possibly well meaning others who clearly have no idea what it is to genuinely grieve the loss of a stillborn child and honor their memory as well as honor one's self.

Thank goodness for this space. I am living now and have come to accept my Andrew's death. I want to honor what life Andrew did have and what loving impact his short life has had on me and my husband, that is where I want to be. I want to celebrate his little life and the wonder that his brief but significant presence had on our lives, if nothing else but to honor him, to love him, and give him the place that he so very much deserves.

Well, back to reality and the fact that I am blessed to have two living and healthy children who require my attention tomorrow morning and a loving husband who deserves a caring wife to wake up to as well.

I hope to find the courage to visit this place, a few evenings this week. To share some more of myself so that someone else might find a kindred heart. Someone else might know that they too are not alone in this very, very dark walk that eventually does... believe it or not.... lighten.

Blessings to all. Goodnight Andrew.