Well, it's Sunday evening at about 6:30pm and thanks to mountains of holiday left overs dinner is done and cleared and there is still time left in the evening! My husband is madly playing Warcraft... his other love.... and I am here surfing. Suddenly I remember, my desire to write in this spot despite my reservations to do so. I think I find it hard to believe anyone else could remotely be interested to read what I am thinking on a daily basis. This whole experience so far is certainly more about me than any potential reader. It just feels so good to have a space where it's ok to express and say whatever is going on. Wow.
Tomorrow begins our month. December. The month when my blessed little angel "grew wings". What a peaceful way of expressing such a devastating actuality. Only a loving person who has experienced loss could come up with such a caring sentiment. To whomever created this, "thank you." And also, "my condolences" as you likely lost your little person as well.
I've found myself quite frankly being terrible to my husband today. Poor guy, he doesn't deserve my frustration with life but somehow he ends up the recipient a good portion of the time. Well, he's probably not an entirely innocent party in reality.......... I'm just frustrated and find so few places to put my frustration. I find myself angry at the reality of having to accept that the holiday season is no longer just about merry making and the holidays. It now is shadowed by the reality of losing my son. I do not feel anger toward my son, I just feel confused and angered by the fact that even now, four years later when I know I have come to terms with much of this loss I still need to pause and give space to the feelings of emptiness in order to move through them rather than be stopped and paralyzed by them.
The innocent child like joy of the bright and glittery holiday season and it's fun and warming activities are now no longer simple. They are more complicated. They are mixed with feelings of remorse, periodic emptiness, depression, sadness, contemplation, wandering...... It takes time and space to recognize it and honor these feelings. It's living a bit differently than I did before my angel. Before my angel it was all about the one dimensional straight forward predictability of life. Now, not so much. This gift, the gift of real life is one of many I believe my little angel has brought to me.
Hopefully it is making me a more well rounded person. A person who is better able to be real and live a genuine existence among others. Christmas gifts.... from my little angel. Never really looked at it that way but as I type it feels right. It feels good. It seems that this is what this space of contemplation and reflection can bring each time I take the time to honor and remember my little angel.
Thank you Andrew. Goodbye for now.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Friday, November 28, 2008
Where to start
Well, it's only been a week and a half since I found this wonderful place and I have yet to take the time to create another entry. I have thought about it frequently but frankly, I have avoided writing. It feels as though I would have to sit at the computer for a month to actually share the experience of losing my Andrew. Even now it brings tears to my eyes to type his little name. It's been four long years this December and although the intense pain and agony of the experience has fortunately lightened over the years, thoughts of Andrew still bring so many feelings that at times it is overwhelming. When I pause and give thought to his little life............. my life.................................... stands still.
A perfectly normal and healthy pregnancy that resulted in an unthinkable tragedy, an unexplainable torment which can only be understood and shared by someone who has shared the loss of a child. It is so healing to read the words of other moms who have experienced this same loss. When going through it I felt so alone and singled out. Such a failure and frankly put a "loser". Reading the stories of you mothers who have walked this very dark road is encouraging beyond belief to me. I am so nourished by the fact that I find no responses like... "it was for the best".... or "it was two years ago, isn't it time to get past it?"...... or "you have a healthy baby now...." all of these reactions from possibly well meaning others who clearly have no idea what it is to genuinely grieve the loss of a stillborn child and honor their memory as well as honor one's self.
Thank goodness for this space. I am living now and have come to accept my Andrew's death. I want to honor what life Andrew did have and what loving impact his short life has had on me and my husband, that is where I want to be. I want to celebrate his little life and the wonder that his brief but significant presence had on our lives, if nothing else but to honor him, to love him, and give him the place that he so very much deserves.
Well, back to reality and the fact that I am blessed to have two living and healthy children who require my attention tomorrow morning and a loving husband who deserves a caring wife to wake up to as well.
I hope to find the courage to visit this place, a few evenings this week. To share some more of myself so that someone else might find a kindred heart. Someone else might know that they too are not alone in this very, very dark walk that eventually does... believe it or not.... lighten.
Blessings to all. Goodnight Andrew.
A perfectly normal and healthy pregnancy that resulted in an unthinkable tragedy, an unexplainable torment which can only be understood and shared by someone who has shared the loss of a child. It is so healing to read the words of other moms who have experienced this same loss. When going through it I felt so alone and singled out. Such a failure and frankly put a "loser". Reading the stories of you mothers who have walked this very dark road is encouraging beyond belief to me. I am so nourished by the fact that I find no responses like... "it was for the best".... or "it was two years ago, isn't it time to get past it?"...... or "you have a healthy baby now...." all of these reactions from possibly well meaning others who clearly have no idea what it is to genuinely grieve the loss of a stillborn child and honor their memory as well as honor one's self.
Thank goodness for this space. I am living now and have come to accept my Andrew's death. I want to honor what life Andrew did have and what loving impact his short life has had on me and my husband, that is where I want to be. I want to celebrate his little life and the wonder that his brief but significant presence had on our lives, if nothing else but to honor him, to love him, and give him the place that he so very much deserves.
Well, back to reality and the fact that I am blessed to have two living and healthy children who require my attention tomorrow morning and a loving husband who deserves a caring wife to wake up to as well.
I hope to find the courage to visit this place, a few evenings this week. To share some more of myself so that someone else might find a kindred heart. Someone else might know that they too are not alone in this very, very dark walk that eventually does... believe it or not.... lighten.
Blessings to all. Goodnight Andrew.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Getting Started
This is totally new to me so thanks to whoever cares for patience while I get started. I have spent much of the day reading the words of other moms who have experienced stillbirth. I cannot believe the wonderful level of honesty and sharing that takes place in this space. I am eager and hopeful that I too can find some sort of solace and connection here. Thank you to all you moms who are courageous and honest enough to share your stories. I share your pain, strength, and hope. I hope to share my story sometime soon as well.
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