Marriage and the christmas tree

We sit in the living room, the day is drawing to an end. Christmas in New York and the lighting of the Rockefeller Christmas tree loom in our future. It feels good, my oldest and me, waiting with anticipation for a fun filled hour together. I am able to feel some warmth toward the holiday and its traditions. It feels good. So does my daughter's presence.

Andrew's day draws near. Our tree is usually adorned two weeks before the holiday. Hubbie's opinion....this is the maximum lifespan of a live tree once cut. Annoyingly enough he is usually right on these things. Why do I feel the need to argue? Because I am me.

The struggle comes in the timing. Decorating the tree is the last pre-loss holiday memory I have. Sunday night, December 12, 2004 two days before we knew Andrew had passed. Every year since decorating the tree is akin to pulling rocks bound with rope up a steep hill. Draining. A chore at best.

This year the lightbulb went on, silly wandering mom......... change the date. Brilliant! Wow, however did I think of this life changing concept?

Change I say, it takes courage to make change. Especially when it involves offering up kindness to myself at a time of year when my self feels as though it should be flogged and beaten. My failure instincts take steroids and demonstrate their toned and sculpted abs. Ah, but let the beatings stop and the sympathy and compassion begin. I have conquered a small country.... I have stepped on the moon....I have crossed the ocean... Ok, I've made my point.... I changed the date of the Christmas tree!

December 7th it now is and with joy and merriment we will decorate the tree. Saving the weekend of 14th for Andrew alone. We will have tree in place and celebrate the fact that this year he would be staring at the lights, wondering what Santa would bring, hoping for the newest and brightest of the Lego sets or maybe an addition to his Thomas the Tank Engine set or maybe a new game for his Leapster pad. Who knows, the point is this day will be about moving forward and recognizing what's happening now and not just living in the past stuck with an old experience, stuck in the sadness that rightfully so has consumed me for quite some time but needs to lighten up and give life and bring Andrew with me and us along for the journey.

Blessed be change. Something old and something new, something borrowed and something blue....... wait that's not Christmas, it's a wedding. Well, it seems to fit, the marriage of the past and the present......... we've got the old and new and certainly Andrew can represents the blue but what about the borrowed?

Borrowed, I think I'll consider my courage borrowed...... from so many moms who write and share and give way to the path that is the marriage of the present and the past. Thank you for the loan, the gift of courage, it's life changing.